Last year a 15-year-old girl named Amanda Todd uploaded a YouTube video revealing (through note cards) her story of personal pain and struggle. It was sextortion – a version of cyberbullying that involves blackmailing others to send explicit photos of themselves – that ultimately led to her tragic, untimely death just weeks later.
Apparently Amanda was pressured into revealing herself sexually over webcam and then blackmailed via social media. A picture of her chest made its way throughout her school and the town in which she lived. “I can never get that photo back” was on loop in Amanda’s mind. Her mistake spiraled out of control into a harrowing experience that led to severe anxiety and depression, as well as subsequent drug and alcohol abuse. Amanda was beaten up by a gang at her Canadian school, and she attempted suicide by drinking bleach, feeling like she had no choice other than to take her own life.
Thousands and thousands of people have now seen Amanda’s video; her mother Carol Todd wants it to be used to help other victimized teens. She told the Vancouver Sun, “I think the video should be shared and used as an anti-bullying tool. That is what my daughter would have wanted.”
SO WHAT CAN WE DO IN LIGHT OF AMANDA’S LEGACY?
Parents: Please listen. These incidents are very real and on the rise, according to the FBI. A child giving into peer pressure to reveal oneself explicitly over text message, in a chat room or by email, for example, can have tragic consequences – and we, as parents, need to talk to our kids to help prevent it. We are by no means claiming to be the experts here, so consult with professional counselors or law enforcement officials as appropriate, but please review the information below. We hope you find it useful.
Sexting and Sextortion: Overview and Tips (source: see ConnectSafely)
Sexting as Sexual Harassment. When someone uses pressure or coercion to obtain nude or sexually explicit photos from another person, it’s usually considered a form of sexual harassment. There are even laws against it in many jurisdictions. Young people need to see the pressure for what it is – inherently disrespectful and abusive. They need to understand that they owe themselves the self-respect that prevents this victimization. We as parents need to help with this education by having conversations with our children and remaining vigilant.
Be Aware of Sextortion. Sextortion generally refers to the crime of extortion involving sex-related digital photos. Extortionists may victimize their prey by demanding money, property, sex, or some other “service” and threatening to harm him or her if the demand isn’t met. When digital photos are involved, the threat is often extreme embarrassment and shame through exposure or distribution of the photos.
Understand Snapchat and Be Cautious. “Snapshot” is a mobile app that lets users share images or videos that disappear after a few seconds. Sounds harmless, right? Not so. Screenshots can actually capture and save the images FOREVER. So here we go: All roads lead back to a record that follows the child for the rest of his or her life. Tell your kids to avoid long-term damage and ill consequences by never sending any photos that they would be embarrassed for anyone to see at any time.
Advice. Parents, here’s how you can help:
1) Sit down and have a face-to-face conversation with your kids about all the harm digital forums can cause if one is not extremely cautious and strong in the face of pressure. It is also crucial to remind our children that what may seem playful or like an innocent joke today could remain with them for the rest of their lives. Say, “Do not let anyone make you do something that in your gut feels wrong or dangerous or fills you up with guilt or anxiety – and don’t be the person doling out the pressure!”
There is nothing more important or effective than letting your children know – often and in various ways – that you are there for them, no matter what. Explain that if bad things happen and they level with you, you will respectfully help them work through it, involving them every step of the way. With loving communication, there is very little that can’t be addressed as a team.
2) Tune in. Know what your child is doing. Monitor his or her activities and whereabouts. In our recent cyberbullying blog, we suggested that you a) have all of your children’s passwords to email and social media sites, b) never allow communications devices to be kept in your child’s room overnight and c) check frequently for content and acceptability.
Keep in mind that young people are often reluctant to tell even trusted adults about sexting or sextortion for any number of reasons; the primary one is fear and confusion about possible outcomes. By reporting a peer, they often feel that they could make their situation much worse.
The more time we spend with our kids, the better chance we have of being looped in on their challenges. Every conversation is an opportunity to share important guidance on becoming men and women of character.
Technology can bring great convenience, but be aware of risks in the equation. Let’s keep our kids safe and on positive paths.